TOTO Washlets Answer the Question You Never Thought to Ask: What Does It Feel Like To Have a Million Baby Unicorns Lick Your Bottom Clean?
Photo provided by Toto USA.
From Mountain View to Tokyo
I first experienced a TOTO Washlet over a decade ago during an event I had organized at Google's Mountain View campus. My lovely Miss poked fun at me over the course of the week as I messaged photos of the toilet to her with various captions containing the words "need," "want," and "unicorns."
Fast-forward to 2015 when I organized an event in Tokyo for the first time, and got to spend two weeks photographing Shinagawa, Roppongi, Akihabara, Kabukichō, and Shibuya, experiencing dozens of Washlets of every size and shape. Each convention center, hotel, and restaurant became a new adventure, experiencing the advanced (or lackluster) features that each Washlet bestowed upon my beckoning bottom.
My lovely Miss and I usually aren't much for large gift giving. But, upon returning from Tokyo, my lovely Miss was bemused by my bottom’s request for a Washlet for my upcoming birthday. Minutes later, the order had been placed with Amazon, and 102 pounds of porcelain and circuitry was soon en route to our abode (commode?) for free via Prime.
But What Exactly Is a Washlet?
To be blunt, a Washlet is a true experience — a cross between European-style bidets, baby unicorn tongues, and Japan's obsession with infusing even the most mundane of household items with advanced Akira-style technology.
After spending way too much time researching Washlets for the best reviews and bang for the buck in the United States, I settled on an all-in-one toilet replacement with integrated Washlet. This was in lieu of retrofitting a Washlet toilet seat to our current onyx-colored toilet installed by the previous owners, which was an eyesore. (And have you ever seen a black toilet anywhere except for dance clubs and fancy fusion restaurants?)
The additional advantage to going with a fully-integrated replacement vs. a retrofit is because the Washlet's electrical cord and water supply lines are embedded in conduits in the porcelain. So no ugly power cords or hoses hanging off the side of the toilet seat — everything is run out the back, out of sight.
But the deciding factor of whether to replace your current toilet with a fully-integrated Washlet, or to go with a retrofit seat, depends on two factors:
How much money you've already spent on your current toilet. For example, there's no need to replace an expensive tornado-flush or assisted-flush bowl.
Whether your current toilet has an elongated bowl (Truly extravagant, and no splash-back!) or a round bowl (What kind of monster are you?).
It's my personal opinion that round-bowl toilets are the invention of barbarians, and should be immediately thrown off the closest roof.
A Million Baby Unicorns Licking Your Bottom Clean
There are dozens of Washlet options with varying features ranging from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars. The combination of the Carolina II toilet with Washlet S350e satisfied all of my favorite baby-unicorn features from my Mountain View and Tokyo Washlet experiences:
Elongated bowl to minimize splash-back.
Warm-water cleansing, with multiple heat settings for toasty-warm water sprays and jets against the bottom or vagina.
A separate vaginal-cleaning mode (front to back spray angle) that can be utilized after bottom-cleaning mode to make sure the vaginal and urethral openings are clear of fecal debris.
Separate pre-rinse (soft spray) and deep cleansing (hard jet) modes for both bottom cleaning and vaginal cleaning, along with fine tuning of water pressure.
Oscillation and pulse settings to break up even the most stubborn of cling-ons.
Wireless, wall-mounted remote control, instead of a control panel permanently mounted to the side of the toilet seat. This makes things much easier to clean and sanitize.
Motion-detecting seat lid with night light, and automatic opening and closing.
Heated seat with multiple heat settings to accommodate different climates. Luke warm in the summer, and toasty warm in the winter!
Deodorizing fan with washable air filter for less-stinky experiences.
Automatic bowl pre-mist cleaning, and self-cleaning bidet wand.
Warm-air dryer for toasty, no-touch dry bottoms.
Memory mode for multiple users. My lovely Miss and I have very different body shapes, and memory mode remembers the correct bidet wand angle and other preferences.
Missing Features
There are two features missing from the Washlet S350e that I quite enjoyed at the Grand Prince Hotel Shin Takanawa, but didn't seem to be worth the extra $500 or $1,000 price tag at the time:
Automatic flush, for the truly lazy.
Enema mode, for that deep, deep cleansing.
If you're into anal play, then it might be worth the extra money for a Washlet with a higher-pressure bidet wand that is capable of piercing the external anal sphincter. This results in a thorough cleaning between the anal canal and rectum, for squeaky-clean anal sex, pegging, and toy play.
Although a full rectal enema is still required for deeper anal play such as fisting or slinking.
Overall
The experience of a TOTO Washlet is truly akin to a million baby unicorns licking your bottom clean, and no home should be without at least one Washlet (or unicorn). If I had to make the purchase again, then I’d choose a higher-end Washlet that supports higher water pressure to enable enema mode.
So, if I was ever to replace the downstairs toilet, then I’d probably move our current Washlet downstairs and purchase a new, higher-end unit for upstairs.
Additionally, the toilet seal in our bathroom was installed in the ‘90s, and was recessed. This required minor cutting of floor tiles by our plumbers to get the new Toto seal to fit. Nothing major, but make sure you have all the appropriate plumbing and tile-cutting tools on hand before starting the installation project — otherwise you might be shit out of luck.